The End of Ambition

Over the past two weeks I've thought more about ending MPWR than expanding it. A damn shame. Well, as The Secret suggests, "Energy goes where attention flows." In this case, right down the drain-- or maybe not.

I had the idea for MPWR in the mid-nineties. I actually began working on it in the spring of 2003. It has been a long, tiring, invigorating, stressful, uplifting, mud-sloshing, God-praying, ego-smashing, love-hate, insert anything you want here, experience. I made a lot of mistakes. And I can't say that if I had known better that I wouldn't have made them. Some mistakes you have to make in order to truly learn the lesson you need to learn.

I've been on a quest. I have this dream of empowerment for all, because I personally have a need to be empowered. It started immediately after high school, when I didn't go straight to college but to poor working class status. At some point it dawned on me that the cheering crowds were gone. The teachers, the counselors, the learning programs, the inspiring ad campaigns, etc,. Gone. Even the parental involvement. Gone. I was alone in making life happen. If anything was going to happen, I had to make it happen. Hey, no problem. But without the cheering crowds, more ambitious goals would prove much harder to manifest. They suddenly seemed silly, when just a year earlier, people were saying I could do or be anything. It was an eye-opening life lesson. The fact that one is ultimately responsible for oneself. This wasn't innately a problem for me. What was a problem was not having a safety net. My Achilles Heel: the realization that failure could result in an extinction level event. My demise.

Moving right along. With MPWR, I had simply jumped out of a plane with no parachute. I would be lying if I told you I regret it. I don't. But I told you when I started this blog that I was going to be honest with you. And here is honesty--DOUBT happens. For the last two weeks, on an almost daily basis, I have been toying with the idea of just throwing in the towel. I've been eye-balling jobs with salaries that can help pay down these bills, but don't leave any time for personal interests beyond work. The debt is strangling me. I am embarrassed by it and this time my embarrassment has nothing to do with what other people think. The truth is, somewhere deep down inside, I am attempting to give up on myself. On the surface, I am trying not to panic. I am waiting for my faith to sort things out in my subconscious. I admit that am lost. I recognize that most of this doubt is related to my age and what other people my age are doing.

Here's the thing. It always comes back to why I started MPWR in the first place. Are there More Possibilities Within Reach? Of course there are. Always. So I keep going. Hoping that along the way, I once again muster enough faith in myself to do what I have to do to realize my dreams. That I replace my pessimism with optimism. That 15,000 feet down becomes 15,000 feet up. Right now, right this minute, I am in my right mind. I can do this. But the DOUBT is still there on the kitchen table. "Energy goes where attention flows." This is just where I am right now. I acknowledge this because repressing it is like having an elephant in the room. It simply is what it is and it doesn't become something else by denying it. But it also doesn't become something else by dwelling on it.

I came across the paintings of Thomas Cole. A series of four painting called The Voyage of Life and couldn't stop staring at them. And one of the paintings in particular. The painting representing youth. The castle in the sky haunts me. Not because I fear never getting there, but because I've been there a few times already. Perhaps the lesson on my current journey is to prepare for a more permanent ascension. Between the castle of youthful idealism and the rebirth of Universal awareness, there is indeed, the world and its many manifestations; its many realizations--adulthood. Staring at the paintings, I reluctantly acknowledged that I am now in the third painting of my life. And as the horse from Ren and Stimpy used to say, "Nope, I didn't like it."

I Went to Adams Morgan Day and All I Got Was This Lousy Picture of Me at the Greenbelt Metro

On September 14, I dusted off the cape and went for a little trip over to one of my favorite places, Adams Morgan. I was running late and had to make a decision. Do I take the long road to the Brookland Metro or do I take the short-cut to the Rhode Island Avenue Metro?

The Brookland Metro, I thought, would be a more dignified trip for me. I assumed that people along the way would be less inclined to gawk at my cape. However, I was running so late that I had to take the rooftops (no, not literally) to the Rhode Island Metro. Now that little piece of Rhode Island Avenue where the Metro is located is quite the concrete jungle. I like a bit of urban safari in my life, but um, not with a cape on.

Off I went to the Rhode Island Avenue Metro. I liken the experience to being a matador in a bullfighting stadium. With each hurried step my cape was waving to crowds of lean and hungry men, "Toro, toro". Guess what? Nothing happened. Again, no one said anything. But, maybe it was because I was carrying a tote of candy and a clip board. Someone did say something actually. A guy asked for a job. Remind me to call him back.

I caught the train without incident for the most part. Just some strange looks. I hopped off at Columbia Heights and walked over to Adams Morgan uneventfully. It's important to tell you this because the real challenge of marketing MPWR is getting people's attention and damn it if you can't do it by wearing a cape.... Bathing suit perhaps? Not a chance!

Anyway, what a glorious celebration. Just being around people felt great, but something was missing. There's something that happens at certain kinds of events, held in certain places, by certain people, under certain circumstances. These are events where magical things happen. These are places of kindred spirit. These places can be created anywhere, by anyone, but make no mistake, the magical ingredient to creating such a feeling begins with creating a deeper connection.

So while there was an air of celebration, I felt invisible, even with my cape on--even with my free candy/promotional business card tote mix. I wanted to approach people and tell them the good news about MPWR, about creating more possibilities, about bringing such possibilities within reach in ways unlike ever before. Excitement was bubbling in my heart with all the people traversing the streets. I was awed by people just being together in a festive environment that was not a club or an office party or holiday weekend at a park. Just an ordinary day with people gathering in the streets and not at a shopping mall. But there was something missing, a deeper connection to people themselves, to each other.

I found a place in the shade and looked at the strip of endless vendors on 18th Street. People passed through tents looking at jewelry, photography, and clothing. I wondered about the culture of consumption. Then I got myself together to offer my dream of deeper connection. A dream confined to promo cards in a soup of free candy. I felt my personality shrinking behind my inability to bring my humanity to my vision. In the back of my mind I thought there must be a way I can express my passion about human connection without trying to sell it.

I belted out that I had free candy for no obligation. No one even had to listen to my spiel about MPWR's lowest common denominator for existing--empowerment through information sharing. People picked around the business cards to get to the candy. No problem I thought, just notice me. Seriously, I was so desperate to connect with people that even people saying, "No thank you" was a major win. To me it meant they cared enough about my humanity to acknowledge it.

A little kid took one of the promo cards without taking any candy. He was mesmerized by the Seize PWR comic illustration. Only one person inquired about the business after taking some candy. He was my hero. However, I'm sad he felt obligated to listen, but what else is there but obligation? Sincere interest? Sincere interest in a world full of competing interests? A world where someone wants something from you in exchange for your time, but most often--your money?

I looked at other vendors. I saw them being more aggressive than I was in terms of getting people's attention. Someone told me I needed to stand in the middle of the street to get more exposure. I secretly balked at the thought of this. Do I have to borderline accost or otherwise inhibit people to get their attention? I refuse. I flat out refuse. Why? Because that's not what MPWR is about. MPWR's about cultivating possibilities. The possibility that we can interact with each other without fear, suspicion, or business transactions. But perhaps I'm naive. There may be no demand for what I am attempting to supply. Ha! I know better. I just have to keep going. I'll figure it out. (I'm also open to suggestions.)

I left Adams Morgan Day in a rush. I had to get to a friend's birthday party. Three blocks from the 18th Street strip I remembered that I had forgotten to take a picture. It was too late. I kept going. Despite the title of this blog entry, I got a lot from Adams Morgan. I got a glimpse of why I created MPWR in the first place--deeper connections and greater possibilities. I just have to keep going.

Some Mess-ness!

More Possibilities Within Reach for everyone, well, not quite.

Despite your best efforts, the things that annoy you, find you. I'm going to give someone some free advertising here and don't say I didn't warn you. You know what, what do I care about providing free advertising to up and coming groups and businesses and what have you. Get yo hustle on. Except.... groups like the one I'm about to mention. On MPWR.Net, such things will be deleted per our little legal agreement. Nothing personal. Just go and create a Myspace page or Facebook Group.

Anyway, I was on Facebook, doing the Facebook thing, when I did a search for MPWR. Now you have to do these things as a quality control measure just to see what comes up. And WHAM-O! There it was, the epitome of why I created MPWR in the first place. Youth culture gone way south of anything any upstanding youth development professional would ever cosign on. I mean, just took the little "m" and the little "p" and the little "w" and the little "r-rah" and just--I can't even think it let alone say it. And not that I aint got a crude side! It's just that MPWR was supposed to be a safe haven away from such things. I know when the other "M.P.W.R." creator tried to get MPWR he must have thought, "What is this crap?" about our little blue sweetheart. God knows I didn't even have words for his. Alas, his viewpoints are his possibilities and I should respect them.

That's bull crap! Thank the GoDaddys of world that damn near all the www (dot) mpwr (dot) this that and the third are taken! You little whipper snapper! Where are your manners? Oh well folks. As cool as I've tried to make MPWR, I'm sure a great many "yutes" will prefer the culture of the other. So without further ado, here's the free shout out I promised earlier.

"Whatup playa. Yeah, yeah. We gotchu. Whatchu need? Money? We got dat. Whatchu want? P**** She got dat. You need--Weed? We gotchu homie. Respect? We---got---chu. Get at us at M.P.W.R. on Facebook. And yo! Yeah we white, but we down with the "n" word. Get at us dawgg. Arf, arf!"

I'm wrong for that and I'm going to hell for it. LMAO! Just some mess-ness.

The Beginning: Episode I Part II

The Reunion

Now I decided to share with a friend that I was going to The National Black Family Reunion with a cape on. If you are Black or from the South or maybe even of a conservative slant, you may know the significance of showing up to anyone’s family reunion with a cape on. If you are all of these things you probably aren’t even reading this post! LMAO! Anyway, not to stereotype, but to stereotype, I wore a cape to the National Black Family Reunion. Now my friendszzzzzah, had told me that people would think I was a bit touched, but I also know that a person surrounds themselves with people of like mind. Of course the friends of an anal-retentive, judgmental Capricorn would say that! Duh, Cassandra, duh! So now, on my way out the door, I start second guessing myself. I’m like, “Well, should I put it on now and ride my bike down there with it on or should I put it on when I get down there?”

The whole thing was getting ridiculously mental. That’s when I knew I had a problem. How could I promote self-empowerment if I was being such a weenie! Furthermore, this wasn't even the first time I had worn the cape in public!!! Yet, I was still totally disempowered by the thought of what other people would think of me, which is nothing more than what you allow yourself to think of yourself. But that wasn’t what led to wearing the cape on the bike trip down to the National Mall. I had convinced myself that following a dream meant doing what you think you can’t do. MPWR is my dream, so therefore, I must don the cape. Yeah, donning the cape was really the least of my worries as it turned out. Why? Because no one said a damn thing about the cape the whole time I was wearing it. Sure, people may have thought things, but actually expressing these thoughts in some way I could comprehend? Nada! I was left with the realization that my own limitations were limiting me.

The Great Blue Caper
A funny thing happened on the bike trip down North Capitol. I envisioned myself as being my own superhero. My blue cape flowing in the wind behind me, I imagined I must be some sight to behold. Eventually, passing by the reflective windows of an office building confirmed this. However, nothing compared to the feeling of having conquered the first lesson of self-empowerment—try it. Riding my bike wearing that cape made me feel like I was soaring. I strangely had more confidence in myself, not less. I was ready for the National Mall and the reunion.

Like I said, no one said anything, even at the reunion celebration, and even if they had, the whole point of the endeavor was now less about passing out info and more about conquering my own fear. At that moment, I had a vision. I would not don the cape for the cause of MPWR, but for the cause of me. The cause of becoming what I was telling others they can achieve—profound self-empowerment. I would wear the cape to symbolize courage, small wins, healthy challenges, self-growth, and any number of triumphs over the crippling affects of fear itself.

After a year of progressive soul-searching, after months of immobilizing rants about not wanting to deal with marketing my own business, I had arrived. I had arrived at the current answer to what it would take to manifest my own dreams. I, yes I, had to be empowered. Long held notions about my own level of empowerment had been challenged head-on by a seemingly harmless symbol of power itself—a cape. I have to prepare to be empowered in ways I can’t possibly imagine. I must face my own limitations as they are revealed and conquer them. At this moment, in order to realize my own personal greatness as I define it, I must seize personal empowerment. MPWR’s very mission--which is the whole purpose of my vision.

What I asked to come into my life has presented itself because of my own persistence. Yet, when it arrived, I wanted to retreat behind the scenes. “How” I thought, “will I be able to humanize MPWR? MPWR needs a spokesperson, someone who can connect to people at the twilight of the human condition. That place in the human spirit where this kind of work is done. That place between what we are currently manifesting in our lives and what we are really capable of manifesting in our lives.” The place of dreams. Not me! But who else, if not me? I am the person for whom I've been waiting. Perhaps, my greatest challenge is as simple as wearing a blue cape in public. Perhaps, wearing the cape is my greatest act of inspiration, which goes far beyond anything MPWR can achieve as a vision with no humanity of its own. Perhaps, the greatest inspiration is a vision made manifest. And Cassandra, isn’t that the whole point of MPWR? Duh!

The Beginning: Episode I Part I

The Beginning

I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I am seeking my ultimate truth, possibly, the ultimate truth. I am feeling apprehensive at the thought of being so revealing. It means revealing who I am in ways that will bring judgment. And what human being of sound mind wants someone to judge them? Thus, we arrive here, at the beginning of self-empowerment.

I cherish the days when I didn’t know the order of our current reality. I didn’t judge people, because I was ignorant about right and wrong, good and bad, heaven and hell, etc. Hey, ignorance is bliss, but that’s for another blog post. Back then, when people did things that I now consider cruel, my little mind thought, “Oh, they must be going through something.” I had no inclination to take their actions personally, but all that changed with time. People, in my opinion, seemed generally cruel and cruel to me, specifically. So my mind came up with the brilliant idea that something must indeed be wrong with me. I started to take nearly everything personally. You know, the usual. If I earned praise for good performance, I took it personally. If I was reprimanded, I took it personally. So far so good right? That’s how we learn to be good people. Yeah, until everything people think you should or shouldn't do defines you more than how you define yourself. Ever get trapped in a role? (More on this point in another post.)

It is with my current understanding of self-empowerment that I start my quest by asking, “Am I strong enough in mind, body, and spirit to be myself regardless of the spoken and unspoken judgments people may have me?” Then my ultimate question is revealed, “Am I empowered enough to manifest my greatest vision of my reality—the one I am willing to live for, possibly even die for?"

The Real Blue Caper

I started a business called More Possibilities Within Reach or MPWR for short. Pronounced empower, MPWR embodies nearly everything I want to manifest in the world, things like connectedness, sharing, concern, understanding, growth, blah, blah, blah, and foremost, a love of humanity. Yes, I have nerve. I started a business to cultivate a love of humanity. If that isn’t preposterous enough, I expect this love to permeate all existence. Yeah, right. I promised to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be and there it is. I love you guys. Part of me wants to throw-up at the corniness of it all even as my Divine self is patting me on the back. What results is choking. And that is the truth of the matter as I see it right now. The truth that I am fighting back my urge, at this very moment, to depersonalize my dream into just a business venture because I think my own love of humanity is corny!

Are you the reader, willing to admit that as much as you may like the idea, you may also think it's corny? Hey, you’re reading this so you are going on this journey with me! In addition, please keep my obvious self-doubt in mind for later, because it is the very reason I started writing this blog.

Moving on, five years ago, I took a job because it wasn’t going to be too demanding. I needed as much energy as possible in order to “start my new business”, code for follow my vision. I don’t really want to recount how hellish and rewarding it has been, but I probably should—in another blog entry. I will say that I have used my credit and job salary to finance the business thus far. I viewed this approach essential to the nature of the vision itself because if I really believe in it, I should be the first to invest in it with abandon. (Please don't try the 'with abandon' part with just any business.)

A lot of mistakes were made and there were quite a few disappointments with people who were contracted to develop certain aspects of the business. However, the beauty of the current vision is the result of quite a bit of perseverance on my part and on the part of the contractors and freelancers who believed and do believe in MPWR. I've learned quite a bit about sharing a vision with others. I look forward to learning even more as MPWR grows. Not really, but honestly, I do and I don’t, but really, I do. I just have some anxiety and apprehension about the process. However, I know the end result will be worth what it takes to manifest it. Whatever the result, I look forward to giving my all and that is all I can do regardless of any outcome.

The Blue Cape

So now we arrive at this blog! As a business owner, one does a lot of reading and researching. I was reading about gimmicks; about getting people’s attention by drawing attention to something. All I remember is one entrepreneur talking about a carrot and the image of a blue cape became MPWR’s “gimmick”. MPWR was conceptualized using the allure of comic books and graphic novels. Its premise is based on cultivating personal power in the form of developing self-empowerment. MPWR was founded on the belief that everyday people are powerful forces, that everyday people are indeed heroes.

Everything just fit. Duh, the blue cape gimmick was a no-brainer. All I had to do was put on a blue cape and pass out information. All I had to do was put on a blue cape and pass out information. I had to put on a blue cape and pass out information. Me! Well, I quickly found a way out of that. I would pay someone to put on a blue cape and pass out information--but not so fast, Cassandra, not so fast.

When finding someone proved a little harder than anticipated, I was faced with a powerful dilemma. The dilemma being that the blue cape is an excellent gimmick for MPWR, but for a recovering bull-head of a Capricorn like myself, the cape was the epitome of “clowndom”. Yes, passing judgment is a Capricorn’s birthright. I am joking just as much as I am being serious. Ask any Capricorn how things are supposed to be and see if you don’t get an encyclopedic run-down of how things SHOULD be. Any self-respecting Capricorn would not be caught “alive” on a street corner with a cape on! I’m joking—just as much as I am being serious :-).

So I did the one thing no one should do when she doubts herself, I asked my friends for their opinion. Friends- “Oh wow. Really? Ungh. Seriously.... Oh. Hmmm. Well…” You know, the gamut of—you’re out of your mind, but I don’t want to say it because obviously you’re serious because you had the nerve to say it out loud which makes me uncomfortable because I know you mean well and we’re friends so—“Oh wow. Really? Ungh. Seriously… Oh. Hmmm. Well…”

Now this post is getting long, but be sure to read the conclusion post, The Beginning: Episode I Part II. ;-)